Missing Dad

Today... I miss him.  I miss his grin.  I miss his eyes.  I miss his games.  I miss his voice.  I miss seeing him.

 I find peace in knowing he will never anxiously await blood and scan results.  I find peace knowing his back...and legs...and shoulders are pain free.  I find peace in knowing he no longer has to think about dying. I find peace knowing he is in His Kingdom visiting with friends and relatives who entered before he did.

 I don't find peace when I think about what he would have looked like as an old man.  I don't find peace when I think about never seeing him play with my kids or telling them stories.  I don't find peace when I think about simple things, like...who will sign my birthday card? Who will walk me to the car and to the corner as my van pulls away? Who will check in on the kids after their first day of school?  Who will talk to my husband during the Bear's Game?  Who will kiss my mom?

I'm stuck in this new Universe of trying to figure these thoughts all out.  I know I'll find peace, but I'm not there yet.  In some ways, I'm afraid to find peace.  I don't want to stop thinking about him.  I don't want to stop missing him.  

So for now.  I'll stay in "limbo".  I'll get through each moment and consider each one a victory.  I'll pray for strength.  I'll pray for peace.  I'll pray to God and thank him for healing my dad.  

San Francisco 2013.  A very special trip for our family of "5".  Love you daddio.